trust in dating by Susan Campbell

Trust in Dating:
How to Find True Love by Telling the Truth
By Susan Campbell, Ph.D. (dating and relationship coach)



www.susancampbell.com


Have you ever:
•said yes to someone when you wanted to say no?
•lied to someone in order to protect their feelings?
•wondered how another person feels about you, but didn’t want to ask for fear of appearing insecure, needy, or pushy?
•had your feelings hurt but didn’t admit it?
•felt angry but acted like everything was fine?
•been jealous but acted cool?
•pretended to like someone more than you really did?
•pretended to like someone less than you really did?
•wanted to express appreciation, but held yourself back?
•pretended to be more sexually turned on than you really were?
•had sex with someone in order to avoid conflict or confrontation?
•agreed to go out with someone and then called later to break the date?
•felt nervous or inhibited with someone you’re especially attracted to?
•wished you could be more spontaneous and natural with people you’re just getting to know?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, rest assured that you are not alone. In my relationship workshops, almost everyone answers yes to most of them. Telling the truth is not easy. Yet when you do show up real and spontaneous, you’re more radiant, alive and attractive.

Old Tapes and Buttons

Why can’t we be more relaxed and free? What are we afraid of? What danger do we seek to protect ourselves from? From my experience as a dating coach, I have found that most singles give entirely too much weight or meaning to the outcome of each dating interaction.
We are all ruled to some degree by old tapes and buttons (automatic fear reactions), so it’s not easy to let go of trying to control the outcome and simply be present and responsive to what is going on now, in this moment with this person. We fear rejection, abandonment, being criticized or judged—and any number of other things that we experienced from our early caregivers. To avoid getting triggered, most of us have developed various “control patterns” to help us feel in control even when we are not. An example of a control pattern would be acting like everything is fine when in truth your feelings are hurt…or trying to seem more knowledgeable or confident than you really feel.


Dating as a Journey Toward Consciousness

How does this relate to Truth in Dating? Dating can be a journey toward consciousness and love, toward overcoming our dependence on our control patterns to help us feel safe. Or dating can be a series of strategies to help us maintain a false sense of security and control. To put this another way, dating can enhance our self-awareness and self-trust in facing unknown outcomes; or it can keep us on a never-ending search for the perfect partner (as a distraction from simply feeling our vulnerability to things we cannot control.) Dating can expand our capacity for love and acceptance of what is, or reinforce our fears that we are not okay if things don’t turn out according to plan.
The idea behind Truth in Dating is we don’t need to wait until we get into a committed relationship to use our relationship life as a vehicle for becoming more confident and skillful at relating. We can start right where we are. We can use our dating experiences for practice!
At present, most people still seem to favor dating as a strategy for staying safe over dating as a way to become a better person. But I think the tide is turning. Many people I talked with said they realize that trying to find someone who doesn’t push their buttons isn’t working. This is a good sign—a sign that people in general may be getting less addicted to playing it safe and staying in control. It is my hope that if we can admit that we all have automatic patterned reactions based on our unfinished business from the past, then we can enter the dating arena with the aim of becoming more conscious of when our buttons are being pushed. We can let go of trying to pretend to be cool or hot or whatever we think is expected of us. We can stop pretending and start being more honest and real. What a relief this might be—if we would stop strategizing to create the desired impression. Maybe then we could relax enough to be present and awake to our experience of the moment.
I have been helping singles and couples show up real for many years, and I know that honesty does not come easily for most people. For most of us honesty feels risky. So to “get real,” that is, to relax into just being present to whatever we are thinking or feeling, will require setting your intent to make honesty a “practice.” A practice is something that you take on intentionally in order to expand your awareness, to enhance your capacity to experience life to the fullest, to express your maximum potential.

Truth in Dating is Good Practice for Marriage

Not everyone wants to get into a marriage or long-term partnership. But if you do, you probably know that a marriage-type commitment cannot thrive without honesty. Your level of honesty and mutual trust will determine your level of intimacy and fulfillment. Yet, as we know, most marriages are not based on complete honesty. The main reason for this is that married people do not have the requisite honesty skills any more than single people do. That’s why I think we need to start practicing being honest with our dating partners.
The more truthful we are on the dating journey, the better we will be prepared for a long-term relationship. My book, Getting Real:10 Truth Skills You Need to Live an Authentic Life, offers 10 vital communication practices that you can try with dating partners. The book teaches how to be skillfully honest in a way that makes telling the truth safer and even exciting


Truth in Dating Adds Meaning and Purpose

Truth in Dating is a way to be more juicy and attractive and a way to become a better communicator (and therefor a better partner). Practicing Truth in Dating with a new friend can give your dating activities a purpose beyond finding a mate—that purpose being finding love, the kind of love that resides in your own being. This love is something that you can enjoy whether you are partnered or single. It’s something that no one can ever take away from you. So when I talk about “finding true love,” I mean finding others to love and be loved by and the higher purpose of re-discovering your essential nature, which I believe is love.


ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Susan Campbell, Ph.D. does phone and in-person relationship coaching for singles and couples. In addition to her 9 books on love, sex, and communication, she has produced several card games to help people get to know one another while developing their communication and intimacy skills. You can learn more about her books, games, video and audio programs at www.susancampbell.com, by emailing her at drsusan@susancampbell.com or by calling (707) 829-3646.

To read more from Susan Campbell, get her best-selling books, GETTING REAL, TRUTH IN DATING, and SAYING WHAT'S REAL, all available at amazon.com